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| Weeds (Photo credit: Robert Hruzek) |
During this hot dry summer, the only things that have grown
well in my garden have been scrawny ugly weeds. The ground is too hard to pull
them up. I cut them down and overnight they sneak in the reserves and multiple.
Over and over again.
Remember the story of Sisyphus from Greek mythology?
The word “Sisyphean” means endless and unavailing task or labor. In the story
Sisyphus was given the punishment to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to
watch it roll back down, and to repeat this action forever.
Over and over again.
Living with tension is part of being human. I guess
the reality of living with unanswered questions, the paradoxes each of us face
in this life and never really getting rid of the tension between right and
wrong, love and hate, good and evil is like an unwelcomed houseguest who never
plans to leave.
Over and over again.
Most of my adult life I thought if I worked hard enough or
was good enough, this internal dilemma would be resolved. I used to think it
was my entire fault. If I only tried hard enough, the tension inside of me
would disappear. I remember writing in my journal once that I was so exhausted
from trying so hard.
One of the greatest gifts I have learned in spiritual
direction and in the past ten years of spiritual formation is that this
internal struggle, like weeds or Sisyphus or unwanted houseguests is here to
stay. Even the Apostle Paul wrote,
"when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:10). We are both
saint and sinner.
How can we
live, even befriend tension?
I attended a wonderful presentation by Wil Hernandez last
Saturday. He is an expert on Henri Nouwen and featured his latest book, Henri Nouwen and Spiritual Polarities, a Life of Tension.
“All of
creation - animate and inanimate - follow certain rhythmic patterns that are
recognize not only to poets and artists but to practically anybody who takes
the time to reflect and notice them. Just as the ocean tides ebb and flow, so does
life. As the sun rises and sets, life too comes and goes...our entire journey
is filled with tension form which there is no escaping.”
He said that tension creates the friction that helps
move us closer to God. In our weakness we find God’s strength. Jesus is fully
God and fully man. The fullness of his humanity does not detract from his
deity. The fullness of his deity does not lessen his perfect humanity.
God is both far and near, beyond and within. The
heavens cannot contain God and yet God dwells in the hearts of human beings.
I am thankful I am no longer resisting my humanness
and welcome what living each day with incompleteness teaches me. I am gentler with myself when I fail even when I had the
best intention of succeeding And I give myself permission to sit quietly with unanswered questions.
Not everything has to be black and white. Either/or. I
can hold lightly in my hands and accept “both/and.”
Life just isn’t neat and
tidy and will never be. And that is ok. I am beginning to live and befriend the
tension.
Over and over again.
I am not sure if any of this rambling makes any sense
today. I would love your input
into this conversation.
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