The Fear of Seeing Yourself – My New Prayer

Friends came over this weekend. We all traveled together this summer on a New England/Canada cruise and we organized this evening for sharing photos and enjoying memories of our good times.

My husband brought his digital movie camera on the trip and made DVDs for each family. We decided to watch the movie all together reliving the joy we experienced as a group.

But something I saw on the video shocked me. I saw myself.

There I was – twenty pounds heavier than last year. Every time I was in a shot I thought the quarter size “brown spot” on the side of my face grew as large as a watermelon. And watching my non-verbals – how awful I looked as I nodded, listening to the travel guide. I wanted to shout to that strange woman on the screen: “Your mouth is wide open, Jeanie, close it. You look so stupid.”

My stomach tightened into a ball of embarrassment. But nobody else said a thing. Didn’t they notice how ugly I was in the movie? Maybe they were just being nice.

Then to make thing worse, Monday morning I sent out a devotional to my writer friends. I love sharing these sacred insights with this wonderful group and thought I created a unique story told from the perspective of Noah’s’ wife. I wrote, edited and reread the one page story 5-6 times, then sent it sailing through cyber space.

Only it had a glaring mistake. Instead of having Noah’s wife shuddered when seeing the slimy snakes, I misspelled snakes. She shuddered when seeing slimy snacks.

Yes I laughed – you have to be able to laugh at yourself. Yet deep inside, I was once again disappointed in myself.

What do you do when confronted with reality about yourself? What lesson is God trying to show me?

I find it interesting to “watch” this reaction inside of myself – like I am too good to let others know I am not perfect? I can’t let down the mask and just be myself? Just accept myself? These are all things I will be adding to my journal and prayers to ponder over the next few weeks.

Too often we ignore these negative feelings instead of lifting them up into God’s hand. He will show us lessons in all the emotions of life if we just listen to his wisdom. We just need to trust him.

Joyce Rupp is one of my favorite spiritual writers. The following prayer touches my heart after these self revealing experiences this week:

Searching for Oneself

Good Shepherd, who finds the lost one, the “me” I have known has disappeared.

Will I ever recover the person I have been? Will I ever find and feel good about myself again? Will I discover who I am and who I am becoming?

Protect me in this great vulnerability. Assure me that I will come home to myself, even though ‘my self” may be different.

Silence my impatience. Calm my worry, Restore my joy. Solace my distress. Help me to befriend my new self with tender hope and welcoming love.

(Joyce Rupp in Out of the Ordinary)

Have you ever experienced "seeing yourself in the raw" like this? What lessons did you learn?

Weekend Reflections on the Word of God

Lectio Divina - a holy reading of the Bible slowly, savoring it, and enjoying it with the Lord – is the spiritual practice of sacred reading of the scriptures. The intention is not to learn or gain information but to deepen our relationship with God. St Benedict encourages us to “to listen with the ear of our hearts.”
Join me once a week for Lectio Divina. I will share a verse and a word that spoke to my heart. Read and listen to the verses here. And gently ask God for a word or phrase that speaks to your heart for that day – that is what lectio means. Once we find that gift, we hold it, meditate, and savor its meaning. This step is called meditation.
Then offer that word back to God in prayer or the third step of oratio. In prayer we allow our real selves to be touched and changed by the word of God.
Finally, we simply rest in the presence of the One who has used His word as a means of inviting us to accept His transforming embrace. No one who has ever been in love needs to be reminded that there are moments in loving relationships when words are unnecessary.
Come into the presence of the Lord.

As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard the crowd going by, he asked what was happening. They told him, "Jesus of Nazareth is passing by."
He called out, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"
Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!"
Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him, "What do you want me to do for you?"

"Lord, I want to see," he replied. Luke 18:35-41 (NIV)

Lord I want to see.
That is my prayer today.

I am blind
Blind to my own sin, attitudes, and behaviors.
Blind to the cries of pain in the person right in front of me.
Blind to those living, invisible to me, in the margins of life
Blind to all the points of light you send to guide me throughout the day.

Lord I want to see.

I want to see YOU.
See you in the person right before me.
See you in the person I don’t like or want to be with.
See you in the baffling events surrounding me that I don’t understand
See you in your wholeness from the fragmented view of my life.
See you in the clouds above, among the flowers below, and everywhere in this wonderful world your hands created.

Lord I want to see

See what you have for me to see
See what you have for me to do
See what you have for me to become.

This is my prayer today
Lord I want to see.

Spiritual and Prayer Books - What's on my reading table?

I am one of those types of people who read two or three books at one time. Come to my house and you will find books in multiple places. Whenever I find an extra minute or two, my nose dives into the pages.

What am I currently reading to nourish my spirituality?

Everyday Greatness by Stephen Covey.
I received this book through the Thomas Nelson Book Review Blogger program. It attracted my attention as I usually like Stephen Covey’s material, finding it uplifting and informative.

Everyday Greatness is living each day with character and contribution. It is a way of life not a one time five minutes of glory that the media loves to exploit. He writes, “It speaks more about people’s motives than about their talents; more about small simple deeds than about grandiose accomplishments. It is humble.”

What I like about his book is I can read it in tiny pieces – small stories that inspired you to think beyond yourself.

My disappointment is that the book isn’t written by Covey though his name is splashed all over the front cover. Looking close it reads: Insights and commentary by Stephen Covey, compiled by David K. Hatch. The book is still packed with wisdom but I feel the reader – me for example – was mislead.

He invites the readers to ask ourselves: To what ends or purpose are your daily choices leading? Is your life in harmony with timeless universal principles? What are you contributing on daily basis? Each section contains thought provoking questions and great collection of quotes.

How does this book feed my spirit? Reading how others rise above their day to day struggles inspires me to try once again to be who God calls me to be. The world can really beat us up sometimes and this book gives the encouragement and hope to keep on.

Prayerfulness – Awakening to the fullness of life by Robert Wicks

Wicks is one of my favorite authors so I was excited to find this new book on a topic I love to read about – Prayer. This book is one to read slowly, chew on in small bites and absorb its wisdom by letting its words seep deep into your soul.

Wicks defines prayerfulness as “in its purist form, true receptivity to the essential lessons needed to live a full life… a sense of spiritual mindfulness in our daily encounters so we can be open to the new lessons with which God continually graces us.”

Prayer is at the center of all our spiritual growth and this book exposes you to new insights to our inner journeys. God invites us to live fully with this gift of life He has given us. Developing that awareness to all the lessons God surrounds us with is a key message in this book.

He lists three approaches to prayerfulness.
1. We must attentively listen, read and review the spiritual teachings we wish to form us. Be intentional about your growth
2. We must be willing to overlearn what we have been taught. This takes time and study.
3. Only through practice, practice, and practice will we know for sure if the important teachings have taken roots deep within our souls.

This gives me hope. So often I read a great thought and highlight a truth in a book only to forget it. I journal a deep desire one day and find out three years later I am no closer to that dream now than when I first identified it. When I live with spiritual mindfulness I am aware of all the lessons surrounding me that nourishes my roots and helps me to grow.

How does this book feed my spirit? Living prayerfully is a life long process - so I am gentler with myself now. Being aware of God’s constant presence in all that encompasses my life helps me live a fuller life. God is the perfect gardener to nourish my spiritual roots to grow closer to him.

What are you reading to nourish your roots?

You Tube, Prayer and Spiritual Growth

You Tube is not a tool I normally consider when researching the topics of prayer and spiritual growth. What is in your spiritual growth toolbox that you can use during times of dryness or difficulty? The best tool box is one filled with a variety of resources we can draw upon to help us celebrate the good times and thrive and learn from the troubled ones.

I think we need to be careful as the vast variety of resources found on You Tube may differ from our beliefs and could also be filled with misinformation. Saying that, I have been fascinated in some of the creativity, information, and inspiration found on that site.

Here are a few you may be interested in exploring:

Spiritual Literacy: Reading the Sacred in Everyday Life, based on Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat's bestselling book, is a six-volume DVD series consisting of 26 meditative and soul-stirring half-hour films. These videos are absolutely beautiful and are visual delights. The words carry you beyond your everydayness into a new dimension. The music quiets your soul to let your spirit soar.
http://www.youtube.com/user/SpiritualLiteracy


Spiritual Director International has a set of videos interviewing various people explaining how to find a spiritual director and what to expect when you met with one.
http://www.youtube.com/user/sdiworld

How about learning about centering prayer from one of the experts, Thomas Keating?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IKpFHfNdnE&feature=PlayList&p=3AD0F45445BC140D&index=0

Want some inspiration for your morning prayer: try this video that is beautifully done
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJ2vEGEsp_E


Watching these materials I discovered the music and visuals create an environment that helps me open my heart more to God. I don’t think watching passively videos produced by other people will necessarily draw me closer to him, but You Tube could inspire new thoughts and perspective to move me when I am dry or stuck.

You Tube will be a tool for my spiritual growth tool box that I will occasionally find handy.

Weekend Word of Power

The spiritual practice of sacred reading of the scriptures is called Lectio Divina - a holy reading of the Bible slowly, savoring it, and enjoying it with the Lord. The intention is not to learn or gain information but to deepen our relationship with God. St Benedict encourages us to “to listen with the ear of our hearts.”
Join me once a week for Lectio Divina. I will share a verse and a word that spoke to my heart. Read and listen to the verses here. And gently ask God for a word or phrase that speaks to your heart for that day – that is what lectio means. Once we find that gift, we hold it, meditate, and savor its meaning. This step is called meditation.
Then offer that word back to God in prayer or the third step of oratio. In prayer we allow our real selves to be touched and changed by the word of God.
Finally, we simply rest in the presence of the One who has used His word as a means of inviting us to accept His transforming embrace. No one who has ever been in love needs to be reminded that there are moments in loving relationships when words are unnecessary.
Come into the presence of the Lord.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:5-8 NIV

Alone.

That is how I feel so often.
Does God knew how I feel?

But this verse tells me to find rest in God alone.

I will never find rest, the peace I deeply yearn in my pity party.
Never attain the comfort I desire in food and numbing wasteland of the television.
Never acquire the hope and encouragement to lighten my weariness in things of this world.

In God alone.

He is the answer
He alone is my rock, my help, my strength, my protection.

Everything I am
Everything I do
Everything I will become

Rests in God alone.
In God alone.
God alone
Alone.

Prayer - Drawing Closer to God's Heart

Our prayers nourish our spirituality. When we communicate – both talking and listening – with God, his presence molds our very being to be more like him. Prayer is vital to our spiritual formation.

Prayer takes many forms but sometimes other people’s prayers just hit the spot. They express our deepest longings with just the right word or phrase. Their prayer becomes our prayer.

My hope is one of the following prayers speaks to you as it carries you closer into God’s loving heart.

Lord, let the thick skin that covers me not be a hindrance to you. Pass through it. My eyes, my hands, my mouth are yours. This sad lady in front of me: here is my mouth for you to smile at her ... This smug young man, so dull, so hard: here is my heart, that you may love him, more strongly than he has ever been loved before.
- Madeleine Delbrêl, Missionary and activist (1904-1964)


My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. - Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"


Let my heart be broken with the things that break the heart of God." Bob Pierce


Give me the love that leads the way. The faith that nothing can dismay. The hope no disappointments tire. The passion that will burn like fire; Let me not sink to be a clod; Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God - Amy Carmichael


Great Teacher, you draw me to your heart. You reach me with your love. You inspire me with your message, and then you send me out to others. May I love well. As I go forth from my prayer, may I reflect the radiance of your goodness. Joyce Rupp

Prayer fastens the soul to God. - Julian of Norwich. My prayer for all of you reading this blog is that your hearts fasten, cling and abide in God's ever present love.

Six Spiritual Serendipities

I love the word – serendipity. The meaning of this word is to find something unexpectedly. Most serendipities brim with delight, surprise and “oooooo-abilty.”

Horace Walpole first coined this word in 1754 in his retelling of a Persian tale The Three Princes of Serendip. Serendip was another name for the country we call Sri Lanka.

If you watch, God loves to send us serendipities each day to encourage us on our journey, to provide us with wisdom and guidance or just to pop into our day to let us know how much he loves us and is with us.

Here are six times lately where I tripped upon God’s gift of serendipity:

1. Opening my Bible to “just the right” word of hope I needed to take another step of faith

2. Looking up and witnessing God’s creative artistry in the clouds or sunset. He loves to play and paint in the sky, you know. And on my trip through Yellowstone this summer I just knew he had lots of fun fashioning that area.

3. Pausing and taking in the sound of my three month old granddaughter’s infectious giggle that bubbles up from deep within her belly and spreads delight into my heart

4. Discovering the power in three’s – If you watch and listen, God often gives guidance, gentle nudges and lessons three times. I love finding three’s in my life – a quote, a Bible verse, an overheard conversation, an email. Often in my monthly spiritual direction group, listening to the others, I see patterns emerging from their stories which are lessons for my story.

5. We passed a semi truck on the Indiana toll road last week. The large red letters printed on its side read “I Supply.” Okay, I know that was just the name of some supply company, but my heart leaped as I could almost hear God say to me, “I supply… I supply all that you need. I am your supplier.” Driving by that truck evolved into an unexpected moment of worship.

6. Friendship. I don’t like to ask for help and shy from sharing my deepest fears with others. God gives us community, though, to help us in those times. I am astonished when friends give up a Sunday afternoon to help move a much too heavy couch to my daughter’s home in Michigan and while there even mowed her yard. My spirit soars with the encouraging words and ideas from my online writers group. Whether in person or through cyberspace – God sends strength.

Discover how God touches your life and surrounds each moment with his presence – search for his Spiritual Serendipities.

Did you find serendipity today?

Weekend Word of Power

The spiritual practice of sacred reading of the scriptures is called Lectio Divina - a holy reading of the Bible slowly, savoring it, and enjoying it with the Lord. The intention is not to learn or gain information but to deepen our relationship with God. St Benedict encourages us to “to listen with the ear of our hearts.”
Join me once a week for Lectio Divina. I will share a verse and a word that spoke to my heart. Read and listen to the verses here. And gently ask God for a word or phrase that speaks to your heart for that day – that is what lectio means. Once we find that gift, we hold it, meditate, and savor its meaning. This step is called meditation.
Then offer that word back to God in prayer or the third step of oratio. In prayer we allow our real selves to be touched and changed by the word of God.
Finally, we simply rest in the presence of the One who has used His word as a means of inviting us to accept His transforming embrace. No one who has ever been in love needs to be reminded that there are moments in loving relationships when words are unnecessary.
Come into the presence of the Lord.


Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12: 1 NIV

Hinders

What hinders me from drawing closer to you, Lord? What blocks me from completely loving you, serving you, obeying you?

What do I need to let go of that hinders me, so I can run this race you have set before me?

What weighs me down, burdens my walk, and interferes with my hearing you, following you?

Show me Lord the obstacles.

I give them up for you.

Listen
Learn
Let go

You are the God who never deserts us.
You will show me the way.
You are the coach on this race of life who encourages me, cheers me on, and helps me to release bad habits and self defeating behaviors.

You are God.

Thank you for being a teaching, forgiving God

An Invitation to Linger Longer with the Lord – A Spiritual Discipline

In my prayers lately, I sense the Lord inviting me to linger. To stay with him longer. To rest in his words. To pause in his presence. Even just saying the word out loud slows my tongue. LINGER

Linger – what does that word mean? The dictionary defines to linger as “to be slow in parting or in quitting something; to remain although gradually dying, to move slowly.” Though at first I am attracted to the first and third definition, the reality of the second one – to remain although gradually dying – holds truth I often don’t face.

I reread the story from Genesis 18 the other day about three travelers who visit Abraham. I knew the basic tale – three visitors arrived at Abraham’s tent in the heat of the day. He fed them and is told his wife will have a baby. Sarah laughs.

But this time as I lingered with this story, I saw a new aspect to these verses: When three visitors unexpectedly show up, how does Abraham react? Abraham hurries and runs to offer hospitality – this is mentioned quite a few times. Welcoming God to his home involved offering water to drink and for bathing and something to eat. “While they ate, Abraham stood near them.” Can you imagine what Abraham was thinking?

“The Lord himself is here visiting me! He rested and now eats my food. I can’t believe he stopped here and wanted to be with me!”

Just think about that: God didn’t eat and run. He stayed, rested, and talked with Abraham. We have a God who when we welcome him, will linger and speak with us.

When God shows up in our lives – and he always does – how do we react? Do I stand by, watching and lingering with him? Too often I scurry off into the “heat of the day” having taking care of my chores for God. I rarely linger and stand near him, watching him.

The discipline of lingering is convicting me that God cannot be rushed. My relationship with him is not just another item on my to-do list to attend to and scratch off for the day.

Lingering is a holy invitation to watch, learn and listen.
Lingering opens my eyes to see life in the light of hope.
Lingering opens my ears to hear and find peace in God’s guaranteed promises.
Lingering opens my heart to receive this God who wants to be with me, to have a deepening relationship with me, and who wants to linger with me.

Wow, how can I not take the Lord up on this invitation?


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Fearless by Max Lucado

When you really listen to people, what emotion most often dwells at the surface of their difficulties? I hear fear. This is one reason why Max Lucado’s newest book, Fearless, is so important for people to read and discuss. Even the subtitle gives hope: Imagine Your Life without Fear.

As a spiritual director, the fears I hear many times are not even recognized right away. In fact, some people will even deny their emotions are fear based. I know this personally since I am a regular practitioner of denying fear in my own life.

Lucado’s book helps us to name the fears that drive us and exposing them to the light of God. Once we recognized and face that emotion, it is easier to let go, returning to trusting God to handle the situation.

Lucado lists fears such as fear of not mattering, of disappointing God and overwhelming challenges. His easy readable writing style pulls in the reader to identify their own circumstances, then allowing God to once again take over. He reassures us that God is enough.

The book ends with a great discussion guide that makes it perfect for a small group discussion. Thought provoking questions such as: How would your life be different if all your fears were erased? The questions also could be used in a journal for personal reflection.

Another strength in this book is its strong use of Biblical references both in the text and in the discussion guide. This continual drawing our attention back to the word of God brings hope and comfort when facing fears.

A must read!

Spiritual Listening or Half Listening?

I nodded and pretended to be fully listening as my husband shared a story with me. The truth was I was listening to the noise inside of me – “Oh, I forgot to tell him that….I need to get that done before bedtime….I wonder how much longer is on the timer before supper is done….”

Not really listening, was I? And I am trained as a spiritual director, one who listens intently to another’s spiritual walk. HA! I am failing at basic listening skills lately.

I would wager many of you don’t fully hear another person either. We get too busy planning what we will say next or thinking about our to-do lists. And adding to the internal commotion, all the external noise that interferes with effective communication – blaring sounds from the television, chirping as emails arrive, and the boom-booming from the CD player.

To be a good listening, I need to be silent. An anagram rearranges or unscrambles the letters of one word to create a new word. Use the word silent as an anagram and the result is: SILENT = LISTEN.

What a wonderful gift we can give each other – to attentively listen to what is said and what is not being said. To listen with both our ears and our heart is to be fully present to another human being. People have a great need to be heard as a real person, a person who merits attention and respect. Tragically we miss opportunities all the time to affirm each other through listening.

The challenge today for you and for me is to evaluate how well we are really listening to:
• God – Is his still quiet voice telling us something?
• Others – Who right in front of us is begging to be heard?
• Ourselves – Is our body or our spirit trying to convey a message?
• The earth – Is nature showing us a need?

What is interfering with us hearing others?
• Our own egos – our chattering internal conversations, trying to outdo someone in a discussion? Listen to yourself listening.
• The world – the noisy values of a fallen world distracting us from the people around us?
• The media – the sounds of the news, music, and internet plugging our ears and hearts?

On a scale of 1-10, how well are you really listening?

Verses to ponder:

Let the wise listen and add to their learning and let the discerning get guidance- Proverbs 1: 5 (NIV)

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. John 10:27 (NIV)

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19 (NIV)

Grant me, Oh Lord, to know what I ought to know, to love what I ought to love, to praise what delights you most, to value what is precious in your sight, to hate what is offensive to you. Do not allow me to judge according to the sight of my eyes, nor to pass sentence according to the hearing of my ears; but to discern with a true judgment between things visible and spiritual and above all things, always to inquire what is the good pleasure of your will. – Thomas A Kempis

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